2/18/2023 0 Comments Fat platypusBut back at home with nothing to do I cannot help but lament upon this grievance. I have no time to think about these things and I do not miss home. I am not usually so nostalgic, most days in KL I get along busy and fine. Again I reflect upon the frustration of living in two places. It will be difficult to know where they are because I have my things scattered over two places. don't let anyone change that".īut I'm beginning to wonder if the mark of the end of my childhood is this- to give up childish ideals for the real things of the world?Īm I betraying myself and my soul for money, reputation and experience? Is there a way to reconcile the both? What would I choose if I had to pick only one side or the other? How will I choose, given that the benefits are way skewed to one side versus the other?īack at bed I still have not found my polaroid stickers and I wonder if I will ever find them. I once told him I want to "tell stories" and "change the world", and his response (paraphrased): "that's so pure. But does that really happen or am I living a hopeful illusion? Is it selfish to just want to do my own thing, live a small, quiet, unambitious life, instead of "saving the world" type stuff? Of late I have been telling my interviewers that in 15 to 20 years' time, I want to "make a difference". Or working with animals, helping them save their homes. Making sandwiches, or lemonade, making people happy. If you'd ask me honestly how I'd rather spend my days, it would be by the beach. I don't know if I know what mine are anymore. Not since societal expectations have been shoved down my throat, a bitter taste I am forced to swallow.ĭo you have dreams? I'd like to hear them. Not since I have been made aware what kind of work actually earns money. Why give up the more important things in life to toil after something I don't necessarily believe in? Why am I being punished for my clarity?Īs the entry point for the whole, "what do you want to do when you grow up" discussion, I have been asked, "well what is it that you do want to do? If you could have any job in the world. But it's not that I'm afraid of working hard or long hours, it's that I believe there is not much in the world that is worth doing. It's so frustrating that I know what I don't want to do, yet I don't know what I want to do. Getting a job is easy, finding a good job is more challenging but getting a job in something you love? Sounds impossible to me. Not that they'd want me anywhere in the world.ĭoes that sound like escapism? Not being able to solve my problems here, not wanting to try anymore, so I throw in the towel and run, hoping that a change of scenery will bring solutions. Something about her productivity and moving just triggered many emotions inside me I needed a creative outlet.Īnyway, I just have the overwhelming desire to pack up my stuff and MOVE. It's so scary.Īnyway, I came here after watching Best Dressed on Youtube. There is no space for this Celine to come alive, and I think a small part of me would rather live the rest of her life in this mind-numbing way. And then my eyes are tired and I want to rest them, and then I fall asleep. Autopilot me loves wasting time on Netflix or social media, watching screen movement after screen movement. My life feels like a nightmare loop of unproductivity and self-silencing. You have no idea how hard it was to force my fingers to meet this keyboard.
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